It’s hard to know where to begin.
I wanted to write about something other than the Bachleorette, however Household 6 says the viewing public (all ten of you) must be satisfied. And frankly, it’s hard to let the absolute meltdown of a grown man on TV who used the word “Chlamydia” in his 14.59 of fame (kudos), coupled with Chris Harrison and the Bachelor cabal blatantly stealing my shit (boxing Harrison? Where’s my cred?) and ending with the absolute awkwardness of a fleet of grown men who had no idea how to defend themselves in a brawl, pass without comment.
In honor of John Ritter, the Three’s Company genius who bought the farm with a clutcher far too young (pour one out,one love), I offer you the following in the spirit of his timeless epic “Six Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter.”
Let’s call it :“Several Simple Rules for Guaranteeing A Man Doesn’t Act like a Bitch on TV.”
1.) “I Want to Stay for JJ”
I’m not one to question how one gets down. Frankly, whichever way one chooses to get funky,is none of my business, so whatever sort of bro love is going on between JJ and Clint, it’s a classic case of “Not My Circus, Not My Monkey”(tm) However, when a man comes on a show to date a woman of deliciously ambiguous and questionable ethics and ends up trying to stay for his Thunderbuddy, it hurts us all. Worried about JJ? Get his number. You’re already showing him how to kimura another dude, and you’ve seen each other naked, so you’re likely good for digits and maybe an email.
2.) Hands up, Chin Down.
Watching these dudes flail at each other like three year olds at a sand table got me thinking two things. First, I don’t want to live in a world where it is socially acceptable to get your ass beat like a red rubber ball on national tv. If you don’t know enough to cover your head against a taller opponent, you should be taunted and booed until my throat is sore, or not allowed to fight period. My infant son (The King of the North) knows for example, that we throw punches in bunches until the other suitors go away, and that the elbow makes the bad robot bleed. Maybe he should be instructing these no loads in the old one two beatdown. I saw more combative skill at a Muppet convention.
3.) Let’s Play a Little Game Called Shut Your Filthy Cake Hole.
I had high hopes for Tony. I hoped he was evil. I hoped he had a cold heart of black ice where the sun never shined and all puppies went to Hell. Instead, Tony’s vanilla ice cream when you thought you grabbed gddamn baller cake batter. He’s the “Dirty Dancing” when you wanted to watch “Roadhouse”. He’s the guy selling reused ice water on K street when you wanted your special snowflake Voss in the glass bottle. All that minging and whining. No one hears me, no one knows how much I have to offer. Tony, I implore you bro. Shut your hole. Let your chest hair grow into a wild mat and find a nice lady who previously rolled with the Mongols.Barring that,my boy Mosby, at his excellent blog, will set you on the path to wisdom.
4.) Copy and Paste
All of the dudes in the back of the bus, take heed. Instead of whining endless about your feelings, your puka shell necklace or the fact that the food at the Bachelorette hacienda isn’t locally sourced, take a look at the top. By top, I mean Ben Z, who for the ladies in my Fantasy Pool, is the dude they should have had in their top 5. Ben’s ABCing it with the following go to plays
Strong right, 32 corpse- Ben’s Mom is Dead and he is sad about it. Points for vulnerability.
The Old Steve Irwin- Ben wasn’t scared of snakes, while Kaitlyn finally found a snake she wouldn’t touch.You know what I mean. Oh yes I did.
5.) Get Down with the Get Down
Let’s be clear, I’m not suggesting all Canadians are tattooed with birds, have a flimsy cover story about being a “dancer,taste like Vodka and enjoy violence and random herpes tests, but this one clearly is and does. Get Hip. She’s not looking for a Princeton Grad or a Dentist, this much should be obvious. She’s also apparently bringing some Brady bunch looking clown on for variety, #personalinsult. Now is the time. Time to bring some randoms on the show, and by randoms, bring back the best Bachelorette candidate of all time, Jade. I’ll see your tattoos and raise you Internet nudie shots.
6.) Did I Mention Shut your Hole?
If this is your reason you want to date any woman, turn your gear and your playbook in:
Kupah: “I know and I like all that other stuff. You said you like movies and movie quotes, you like sweatpants … ”
Now who doesn’t like sweatpants? Frankly, if it were up to me, it’d be sweats and my cookie monster tshirt all day (restrain yourselves ladies, I’m married.) But in competitive dating, if you have to play that card, your game needs major reconstruction, and by that, I mean you need game.
7.) Take Care of Obvious STD’s. Hell, Take Care of All of Them.
Clint has a thing. On his neck. The size of a dinner plate.Could be a hickey. Could be herpes. Could be some sort of tracking device. I’m going with herpes..
8.) When in Doubt, There is No Doubt
In the semi scandalous teasers, it’s implied Kaitlyn does grown up things with the dude who looks like he just turned 11. That’s the point when you pack your shit and leave, Bryan Cox style
9.) Re-evaluate your Life.
I’m always curious why dudes who seem normal, meaning relatively employed, far prettier than most dudes and apparently educated, apply to be on the human Bangkok hotel bedsheet that is the Bachelor series. It makes zero sense.
On to next week, where all will be revealed, that Ian guy gets pissy and runs his rebuilt ass away and Kaitlyn becomes the female Juan Carlo.
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